Today I achieved less than I wanted to but more than I ever have alone. Napaliguan ko yung aso at nakatapos ako ng isang article, naipasa. At nakakuha ng bagong assignment na para bukas, sa Manila Hotel, astig.

Napilitan din ako magyosi ng isang beses today. It sucks that I don’t have much willpower. Pero it’s not weakness to admit that you’re weak, and that you need to take it slow. Maybe lights na lang, once a day, tapos putol putol hanggang 1/4th na lang itatapon ko na, 1/2, tapos isang buga lang tapon na, ganun.

Pero I found out na mas iritable ako, considering my condition, when I’m without nicotine. Ang bilis ko mabwisit sa lahat. Tangina, gusto ko pumatay. Naiirita ako.

Sobrang naglalaway ako right now fuck fuck. Feeling ko isang maling mangyari pa, di ko na makokontrol, magwawala ako seryoso. Not like I have the guts to do it but I might you know I might just throw everything across the room just to feel better.

Naaamoy ko yung ginigisang bawang para sa sotanghon. Tangina, sobrang gutom na ko. Huli kong kain eh isang turon lang. For the whole day yun. Gusto ko na kumain ang tagal magluto putangina.

Meron nga palang nagta-trashtalk sa girlfriend ko. Putangina niya binanatan ko sa TA pero di ako nag-anon kasi cool ako. Oh ye. Oy, kung binabasa mo to kups, kulang sa chupa yung titi ko. Subo mo naman o. Pakyu.

Tangina sobrang bwisit na bwisit ako ewan ko kung kaya ko ba talaga magquit ng pagyoyosi ng ganito ako. Pero in my mind I keep telling myself na desidido na ako, na wala nang gaguhan, so maybe I do have the willpower to do this. Well, it’s somewhere alright. Hiding. Fapping most likely.

Oh God now I am subconsciously reaching for my pack of cigarettes kaso tinapon ko na siya.

Right now I’m thinking how much of a mess I am. Whooo, fuckin’ yeah I don’t know my own thoughts anymore, they’re disorganized as fuck and I don’t know what kind of train my brain is running right now and neither do I care I want to calm down and just SHUT THE FUCK UP and I want peace and quiet and I know one fucking stick, one fucking puff will make all this go away but I need to be stronger than this I need to be strong for me myself my girlfriend my family everyone I fuckin know I have to be strong.

Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god I am so pissed off at all of you I want to kill you you fucking faggot I will hunt your fucking ass down and stab you in the eye you cocksucker